Lord A is off in his scary-as-all-my-fuckin'-nightmares-put-together robo-chassis thing doing some "investogationeering" with his dirty tricks squad. He's, like, preparing his October Revolution or October Surprise or something. Which one featured Kerensky? Shit, I dunno.

Anyway, he gave me this audio-tape from the debate in Tempe last week to transcribe for y'all, so here it is in all of its glory. Well, not all of it's glory, 'cause y'know, it's fuckin long so this is like a highlights reel:

SCHIEFFER: Gentleman, welcome to you both.

By coin toss, the first question goes to Sen. Kerry.

Senator, I want to set the stage for this discussion by asking the question that I think hangs over all of our politics today and is probably on the minds of many people watching this debate tonight.

KERRY: Well, first of all, Bob, thank you for moderating tonight.

Thank you, Arizona State, for welcoming us.

And thank you to the Presidential Commission for undertaking this enormous task. We're proud to be here.

Mr. President, I'm glad to be here with you again to share similarities and differences with the American people.

Lord Architeuthis, I'm proud to stand here next to a minority such as you. Proud to be part of a country where anyone can join the race for president.

Will we ever be safe and secure again? Yes. We absolutely must be. That's the goal.

Now, how do we achieve it is the most critical component of it. I believe that this president, regrettably, rushed us into a war, made decisions about foreign policy, pushed alliances away. And, as a result, America is now bearing this extraordinary burden where we are not as safe as we ought to be.

The measurement is not: Are we safer? The measurement is: Are we as safe as we ought to be? And there are a host of options that this president had available to him, like making sure that at all our ports in America containers are inspected. Only 95 percent of them— 95 percent come in today uninspected. That's not good enough.

People who fly on airplanes today, the cargo hold is not X-rayed, but the baggage is. That's not good enough. Firehouses don't have enough firefighters in them. Police officers are being cut from the streets of America because the president decided to cut the COPS program.So we can do a better job of homeland security. I can do a better job of waging a smarter, more effective war on terror and guarantee that we will go after the terrorists.

I will hunt them down, and we'll kill them, we'll capture them. We'll do whatever is necessary to be safe.

But I pledge this to you, America: I will do it in the way that Franklin Roosevelt and Ronald Reagan and John Kennedy and others did, where we build the strongest alliances, where the world joins together, where we have the best intelligence and where we are able, ultimately, to be more safe and secure.

SCHIEFFER: Mr. President, you have 90 seconds.

BUSH: Thank you very much.

I want to thank Arizona State as well.

Yes, we can be safe and secure, if we stay on the offense against the terrorists and if we spread freedom and liberty around the world.

I have got a comprehensive strategy to not only chase down the al Qaeda, wherever it exists— and we're making progress; three-quarters of al Qaeda leaders have been brought to justice— but to make sure that countries that harbor terrorists are held to account.

As a result of securing ourselves and ridding the Taliban out of Afghanistan, the Afghan people had elections this weekend. And the first voter was a 19-year-old woman. Think about that. Freedom is on the march.

We held to account a terrorist regime in Saddam Hussein.

In other words, in order to make sure we're secure, there must be a comprehensive plan.

My opponent, Senator Kerry, just this weekend talked about how terrorism could be reduced to a nuisance, comparing it to prostitution, illegal gambling.

My other opponent is a horrible monster from the depths of hell. He advocates the same tough-on-terror approach as I do, but lacks my faith. My faith in God, in Jesus, in the American people.

I think that attitude and that point of view is dangerous. I don't think you can secure America for the long run if you don't have a comprehensive view as to how to defeat these people. I don't think you can have a comprehensive view if you live in a robot suit. Or Massachusetts.

At home, we'll do everything we can to protect the homeland. I signed the homeland security bill to better align our assets and resources. My opponent voted against it, and the other opponent . . .

We're doing everything we can to protect our borders and ports.

But absolutely we can be secure in the long run. It just takes good, strong leadership.

SCHIEFFER: 90 seconds to you, uh, Mr. Giant Squid.

LORD A: Thank you, Bob, but please address me as "Lord Architeuthis" or "Mr. Future el-Presidento." I have your family being watched by a particularly surly and trigger-happy Belgian chimp. He only awaits my word, Bob. Only my word.

Firstly I would like to warn and caution the State of Arid Zones that a failure to vote for the One True Candidate will be met with swift and terrible retribution; for you have but two words: Land Crabs. Additionally, any and all parliamentary trickery or willful distortion by my opponents will trigger certain . . . protocols that have been put in place to ensure a fair and balanced win for the Vote Squid campaign.

Mr. Bush-President, you claim with your monkey-sneer that all is being done to protect our ports and borders. This is very patently not true.

My agents patrol the ports, waters and borders of the nation at this very moment. We have identified countless points of entry. Unguarded. Available. A small force of al Qaida penguins, a pod of delinquent and vengeful porpoises, ducks of ill-intent, or an un-slept cell of Deep Ones from the benthic vastness of unexplored misery could swarm our shores and put to the fang, the maw, the gnashing jaws or beak our unsuspecting populace. Especially those that reside in port towns, such as Bos-town, My-Ami, and the City by the Sea of Santa Francisco. They are particularly vulnerable.

To make our country more secure we need to impose a reign of strength, compassion and terror upon the rest of the world.

Mr. President, you speak strongly, sir, but could you survive at a depth of 1000 fathoms? Could you crack a Russian submarine vehicle in twain? Could you fire 3 shots n 3.6 seconds? I think not. I have met Jack Kennedy, I knew Jack Kennedy, I ate a small portion of the brain of Jack Kennedy, and you, sir, do not resemble Jack Kennedy except in the way that all of your species looks somewhat alike.

SCHIEFFER: Let's go to a new question, Mr. President.

I got more e-mail this week on this question than any other question. And it is about immigration.

I'm told that at least 8,000 people cross our borders illegally every day. Some people believe this is a security issue, as you know. Some believe it's an economic issue. Some see it as a human-rights issue.

How do you see it? And what we need to do about it?

BUSH: I see it as a serious problem. I see it as a security issue, I see it as an economic issue, and I see it as a human-rights issue.

We're increasing the border security of the United States. We've got 1,000 more Border Patrol agents on the southern border.

We're using new equipment. We're using unmanned vehicles to spot people coming across.

And we'll continue to do so over the next four years. It's a subject I'm very familiar with. After all, I was a border governor for a while.

Many people are coming to this country for economic reasons. They're coming here to work.

If you can make 50 cents in the heart of Mexico, for example, or make $5 here in America, $5.15, you're going to come here if you're worth your salt, if you want to put food on the table for your families. And that's what's happening.

And so in order to take pressure off the borders, in order to make the borders more secure, I believe there ought to be a temporary worker card that allows a willing worker and a willing employer to mate up, so long as there's not an American willing to do that job, to join up in order to be able to fulfill the employers' needs.

That has the benefit of making sure our employers aren't breaking the law as they try to fill their workforce needs.

It makes sure that the people coming across the border are humanely treated, that they're not kept in the shadows of our society, that they're able to go back and forth to see their families. See, the card, it'll have a period of time attached to it.

It also means it takes pressure off the border. If somebody is coming here to work with a card, it means they're not going to have to sneak across the border. It means our border patrol will be more likely to be able to focus on doing their job.

Now, it's very important for our citizens to also know that I don't believe we ought to have amnesty. I don't think we ought to reward illegal behavior. There are plenty of people standing in line to become a citizen. And we ought not to crowd these people ahead of them in line.

If they want to become a citizen, they can stand in line, too.And here is where my opponent and I differ. In September 2003, he supported amnesty for illegal aliens.

SCHIEFFER: Time's up. Lord Architeuthis?

LORD A: Though a natural-born citizen of these States United, and so able to run for High Office, I once had to cross the border illegally, having been stranded at sea by the malfeasant tides of fate.

KERRY: Here's what I'll do: Number one, the borders are more leaking today than they were before 9/11. The fact is, we haven't done what we need to do to toughen up our borders, and I will.

Secondly, we need a guest-worker program, but if it's all we have, it's not going to solve the problem.

The second thing we need is to crack down on illegal hiring. It's against the law in the United States to hire people illegally, and we ought to be enforcing that law properly.

And thirdly, we need an earned-legalization program for people who have been here for a long time, stayed out of trouble, got a job, paid their taxes, and their kids are American. We got to start moving them toward full citizenship, out of the shadows.

LORD A: Yes! Earned legal citizenship powers, like the Arnoldnator, and his own nascent bid for the presidentia. All of the little brown men shall fight the giant, stony avatar of the 'liberator' himself, the awe-filling Melungeon Spider-God Abraham Pagan Lincoln, as I . . . as I would have had to do if I were to have acquired citizenship by any other means save the only Constitutionally acceptable way, by birth, from the birth canal of a human American mother, who is from Montana, where I understand you can drive from state to state without demonstrating the possession of papers. In a pick-up truck. And where one can raise rabbits. And I shall have two wives. And each shall cook a rabbit for the other.

BUSH: I'm sorry, but did he just say rabbits?

SCHIEFFER: Do you want 30 seconds to respond, Mr. President?

BUSH: No, It's just . . . wasn't that from The Hunt For Red October?

KERRY: I want everyone to know that I am a proud hunter, and that I love rabbit.

SCHIEFFER: We're moving on.

SCHIEFFER: Sen. Kerry, after 9/11— and this is a new question for you— it seemed to me that the country came together as I've never seen it come together since World War II. But some of that seems to have melted away.

I think it's fair to say we've become pretty polarized, perhaps because of the political season.

But if you were elected president, or whoever is elected president, will you set a priority in trying to bring the nation back together? Or what would be your attitude on that?

KERRY: Very much so.

Let me pay a compliment to the president, if I may. I think in those days after 9/11, I thought the president did a terrific job.

And I really was moved, as well as impressed, by the speech that he gave to the Congress.

And I think the hug Tom Daschle gave him at that moment was about as genuine a sense of there being no Democrats, no Republicans, we were all just Americans. That's where we were.

That's not where we are today.

I regret to say that the president who called himself a uniter, not a divider, is now presiding over the most divided America in the recent memory of our country.

I've never seen such ideological squabbles in the Congress of the United States. I've never seen members of a party locked out of meetings the way they're locked out today.

We have to change that. And as president, I am committed to changing that. I don't care if the idea comes from the other side or this side. I think we have to come together and work to change it.

And I've done that. Over 20 years in the United States Senate, I've worked with John McCain, who's sitting here, I've worked with other colleagues. I've reached across the aisle. I've tried to find the common ground, because that's what makes us strong as Americans.

And if Americans trust me with the presidency, I can pledge to you, we will have the most significant effort, openly— not secret meetings in the White House with special interests, not ideologically driven efforts to push people aside — but a genuine effort to try to restore America's hope and possibilities by bringing people together.

And one of the ways we're going to do it is, I'm going to work with my friend, John McCain, to further campaign finance reform so we get these incredible amounts of money out of the system and open it up to average people, so America is really represented by the people who make up America.

SCHIEFFER: Lord Architeuthis?

LORD A: The way, Bob, to unite a people is not through molly-coddling and namby-pambying them. Working with our enemies, hand-in-hand, like unto the little girls playing in the flower beds and drinking of the tea parties, will only lead to muddy dresses and tea-drunkenness.

I, unlike my opponent, am against muddy dresses and the drunkenness of tea.

The great uniter, as president Bush could surely tell you, is Fear.

When I am elected I will unite the American people under my terrible reign of intermittent hostility, aggression and bondage (and occasional, awkward affection, in the way of the Syndrome Stolkholm). One is never so close to his co-being as when both share the same miserable burden. Or when locked in the same crow cage, precariously dangling over a tank of emaciated orcas and baboons in flotation tubes. I have learned this— the former point, of the miserable burdens— upon mounting and mating ardently with one of my opponent's mates, though this free exchange of rehearsed ideas being of an event gentle in demeanor I shall refrain from declaring which on the National Televisual Debate.

When a burden is shared, then those who bear it complain together and engage in "the bitching." I have witnessed this among those in my employ. Under my metaphorical and not literal thumb, as I have no thumbs, they have come to regard each other as nigh unto brothers. It is this same brotherhood in oppression I shall bring to all of America.

While toiling in the spice mines or while raising the free-range collies I do so enjoy devouring, you will have true equality as servants to the Emperor Architeuthis. I am a Uniter, a Divider, a Joker, a Smoker. And I get my loving upon the run!

SCHIEFFER: Mr. President?

BUSH: Well, uh, on this issue I'd like to say, whoomp! goes my arm, I think it's outta socket; come over here lil girl, I got some candy in my pocket!

BUSH: What I mean to say, uh, is . . .

BUSH: Ahh! Turn it off! Turn it off! For Chrissakes, Karl, turn it off! My goddamn brain is melting!

So, all y'all who watched this shit at home saw at that point how the Prez just like started bawling like a baby who'd been kicked in the nuts. Fucked. Up.

It seems that the Monkey Wrenching Morgan Johnsons that Lord A hired up to put the whammy on the election had found the frequency of Bush's little backpack receiver and had started hitting him with some Bloodhound Gang shit, which is awesome, because those guys totally fucking rule. Bitch never saw it coming. And after that Lord A pretty much just drove the cart home, y'know? Batted clean-up. Mopped the floor. Shouted, "Last Call, Mr. Kerry, you don't have to go home, but you can't beat me in a debate!" Or, y'know, shit like that.

Well, I mean, he didn't literally yell that shit. He actually yelled "Take it! Take it! Take it like Laura in the Lincoln Bedroom, CryptoJohn Kerry!" Kerry was crying. It was actually kinda sad. You know, like, pathetic. I didn't wanna think about it again but . . . well, there you are. Savage fucking shit, man.

Anyway, remember to Vote Squid in a few weeks.

I'm Out,
Rob